sometimes i forget myself. i hate this. pause.
what a moment of silent reflection washed over me. well anyway- recently ive forgotten. ive gotten so lost in college life, and i use that term negatively, that ive forgotten the things i love. about life. about music. about myself- and not narcissitically - just enjoying the things i love. you have to love yourself before anyone can love you anyway. or at least thats what ive been told.
what about the people who love themselves too much? maybe that just means theres not enough room for anyone else to love them. or for them to love another person. i find this sad. but i digress.
i need to learn to walk again, apparently. up the stairs, specifically. on my routine stroll to 10am chinese class i had a princess and the pea moment, struggling to scrape something off of the bottom of my boot that was increasingly irritating me and i just dug my knee into the stair in front of me. one of those moments where it hurts pretty bad but seriously throbs later, like a bowling ball fell on my kneecap instead of an innocent tripping incident. but at that moment when i fell, i was shaken out of this stupid college life smog. almost as if it had been hanging around my head and needed a jolt to the ground for my head to escape.
state college isnt particularily beautiful in the early spring. the grass is half green/dead yellow, the air is almost always thick and damp. every other day its either raining, or snowing. or both. the struggling daffodils and crocus flowers are a beautiful and bleak preview of the coming spring. the trees remain naked until the end of april, or later. to be honest, winter lasts half the year. god i need to get out of here.
everything looked beautiful, though. after i fell. i stopped thinking about those stupid guys and my ridiculous exams. i noticed how the sky was a rich blue grey, almost watercolor brushed clouds. the trees inky black from the rain stood stark in contrast, which made the little bit of green grass all the more vibrant. all textures were more evident. she had beautiful hair. he had handsome bone structure. the damp air smelled sweet and clean. and despite my stresses, i felt calm. fucking lies. i was far from calm. but i felt- aware? observant. i missed reading all of a sudden. i missed my bed. i missed sunday afternoons. i missed doing everything that makes me who i am. i wanted to go home and cook something, sing something, watch something. i wanted to sleep, and dream.
i want everyone to stop being so materialistic. including myself. and i feel as if i have a different definition of materialistic for myself. whaaat the hell am i talking about? laugh if you remember what you were getting at.
i need to get out of this business suit. it makes people look at me weird.
yeah, thats a good place to end.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
spicy dragon roll
i am having a current internal battle with myself. because i want to live. i have hit the mid january/feburary/marchwinteristoolongwhyisitsunnyandnotwarm-rut.. and have forgotten what the happy butterflies and warm sensation of feeling relaxed when all is right with the world feels like. its so easy to get caught up in things we have to do. and get dragged down by them. by cleaning and spending money we dont have, and working- at jobs and at school. i see all of these books that tell me little things i can do to make me a happier person. and they tell me things like sing in the shower. drink lots of water. eat tofu and salmon, dark chocolate and tea, and fruit. do yoga. get lots of sleep. speak your mind. do something that scares you. be spontaneous. procrastinate. make a list and check everything off. treat yourself. well what happens when you do all of these things and you're still stuck in that rut? you can only breathe so deep, drink so much green tea and tie yourself up into so many yoga knots.
how do you release from the anxiety then?
how do you hold on to the beautiful feeling when you feel it, and why are those moments always so fleeting? hmm.
i just want to sit in the sun, with a glass of iced tea and lemon. in a sun dress. by the ocean.
also. memo to me. you. listen now, commitmentphobe.
you know that little person that starts kickboxing your abdomen whenever youre with someone whos potentially really good for you? who makes you look for some kind of something wrong with a perfectly fine situation? evict them, now.
im starting to think you like being miserable. at least the kickboxing guy does. well enough.
when have you felt so comfortable? or happy? when have you looked someone and just melted on the spot? and how many knots does your stomach tie into whenever he kisses you hmm?
patience is a virtue. nothing worth having comes easily.
ps. these sushi cravings are getting absolutely ridiculous
i seriously wish i could eat sushi everyday. like now actually, i could go for some sushi RIGHTMEOW.
how do you release from the anxiety then?
how do you hold on to the beautiful feeling when you feel it, and why are those moments always so fleeting? hmm.
i just want to sit in the sun, with a glass of iced tea and lemon. in a sun dress. by the ocean.
also. memo to me. you. listen now, commitmentphobe.
you know that little person that starts kickboxing your abdomen whenever youre with someone whos potentially really good for you? who makes you look for some kind of something wrong with a perfectly fine situation? evict them, now.
im starting to think you like being miserable. at least the kickboxing guy does. well enough.
when have you felt so comfortable? or happy? when have you looked someone and just melted on the spot? and how many knots does your stomach tie into whenever he kisses you hmm?
patience is a virtue. nothing worth having comes easily.
ps. these sushi cravings are getting absolutely ridiculous
i seriously wish i could eat sushi everyday. like now actually, i could go for some sushi RIGHTMEOW.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
its way too early for this.
whens fat tuesday? is today fat tuesday? i think im fat tuesday. i also think i just got approximately 5 hours of sleep, but adorable children, birds, and the need for water decided it was important that i woke up instead. and then thinking. thinking never lets me sleep once i start.
it looks beautiful outside today. literally beautiful. but maybe thats because i had the most terrifying drive out here, and that makes every sunny blue sky all the better. but it doesnt matter. that sun is golden on the pine tree through the skylgiht, and it eases my anxious heart a bit.
who am i kidding. no it doesnt. thats bullshit. but it does look nice. but anyway fat tuesday. because if it is fat tuesday, i think i want to give something up this year. not for the sake of jesus, because im agnostic. although i do think he existed, as a guy. for the sake of me to see if i can be true to myself and do it. true to the church? ehhhh institution. true to myself? well. i have to live with myself for the rest of my life dont i? and the more i cheat on myself the shittier im going to feel about it. so. online contract with the self to.. hmm..
1. stop going out to eat. (this saves money.)
2. i want to say no sweets, or chocolate, but i know ill go insane. cause ill want to make cupcakes or something. so.. no...
candy.or cookies/girl scout cookies. or cake. or cheesecake. or brownies. or donuts. or cupcakes. but muffins are ok. and hot chocolate, cause the red sea will kill you. and hundred calorie packs are ok. (and you're allowed to finish that ice cream in the fridge, because things should not go to waste).
two things. you can do that. i can do that. no worries.
i need to stop hating the way i feel in my own skin. i need to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted. because i think im a cow. i think im a cow now, because im not perfect. whats perfect? i liked it when i lost my appetite. its hard to feel good about yourself when youre always so hungry that it makes you sick and its all you think about. i loved not caring about food and actually being grossed out by it.
saved me so much hassle and life.
i feel like guys, no matter how braindead they might be, can also sense a lack of confidence. and deep rooted personal problems. like animals can sense fear. no. sorry. thats giving them too much credit. i take this back.
but i still give up on them. and my hearts still seriously broken.
it looks beautiful outside today. literally beautiful. but maybe thats because i had the most terrifying drive out here, and that makes every sunny blue sky all the better. but it doesnt matter. that sun is golden on the pine tree through the skylgiht, and it eases my anxious heart a bit.
who am i kidding. no it doesnt. thats bullshit. but it does look nice. but anyway fat tuesday. because if it is fat tuesday, i think i want to give something up this year. not for the sake of jesus, because im agnostic. although i do think he existed, as a guy. for the sake of me to see if i can be true to myself and do it. true to the church? ehhhh institution. true to myself? well. i have to live with myself for the rest of my life dont i? and the more i cheat on myself the shittier im going to feel about it. so. online contract with the self to.. hmm..
1. stop going out to eat. (this saves money.)
2. i want to say no sweets, or chocolate, but i know ill go insane. cause ill want to make cupcakes or something. so.. no...
candy.or cookies/girl scout cookies. or cake. or cheesecake. or brownies. or donuts. or cupcakes. but muffins are ok. and hot chocolate, cause the red sea will kill you. and hundred calorie packs are ok. (and you're allowed to finish that ice cream in the fridge, because things should not go to waste).
two things. you can do that. i can do that. no worries.
i need to stop hating the way i feel in my own skin. i need to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted. because i think im a cow. i think im a cow now, because im not perfect. whats perfect? i liked it when i lost my appetite. its hard to feel good about yourself when youre always so hungry that it makes you sick and its all you think about. i loved not caring about food and actually being grossed out by it.
saved me so much hassle and life.
i feel like guys, no matter how braindead they might be, can also sense a lack of confidence. and deep rooted personal problems. like animals can sense fear. no. sorry. thats giving them too much credit. i take this back.
but i still give up on them. and my hearts still seriously broken.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
FAHK
this guideline that i am not fond of has reverted me into a state pre highschool. STOP IT. by now, i would have made serious progress. no funny business. spoken my mind, all on the table guns blazing all revealed. im not one to play these stupid games anymore. especially not when im feeling like this. but now im FORCED to play them? fuck that. seriously, FUCK THAT. immature godcomplex bullshit. egotistical greedy selfish selfcenteredness. transparent seniority. worthless governance.
stop loving yourself. listen to someone else. let someone else talk for more than five minutes. let four hours of company pass wihtout three and a half be consumed by your chattering. dont disregard my thought process. listen. dont wait to talk. stop ALWAYS waiting to talk. stop thinking, subconsciously, your thoughts, stories, and life are superior for the moment. and always. step back and listen to how you sound. narcissistic. stop thinking youre better than people, because i know you do. be considerate of others. the earth revolves around the sun, not how awesome you are.
stop loving yourself. listen to someone else. let someone else talk for more than five minutes. let four hours of company pass wihtout three and a half be consumed by your chattering. dont disregard my thought process. listen. dont wait to talk. stop ALWAYS waiting to talk. stop thinking, subconsciously, your thoughts, stories, and life are superior for the moment. and always. step back and listen to how you sound. narcissistic. stop thinking youre better than people, because i know you do. be considerate of others. the earth revolves around the sun, not how awesome you are.
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