im speechless.

its kind of silly starting this out with im speechless because i do have a lot to say. but sometimes i become so enraptured with how beautiful a day is that i really dont know how to describe it. and today is one of those days. im pretty sure one of my favorite things is looking up and seeing the sun shine through all of the different layers of leaves, and then looking down and watching the shadow patterns play on the pavement. i love the sun. i love everything about it. the way it dances on the bottom of pools, and sparkles on the top of the ocean, the way it feels when it warms my skin and how bronzed i get in the summer. 


so i dont believe in a god. but i do believe in the sun. so i suppose you would say i am a sun worshipper. the ancient egyptians and i would have gotten along well.. well at least akhenaten and i would have..


im really not sure how this day could get any better. i got a free boston cream donut (because its donut day?!) no work.. no scm (doctors visit) theres literally not a cloud in the sky. i am wearing my favorite dress. i got paid today. i am sitting at one of my favorite spots on campus. i had one of my favorite subs for lunch. i am going to see my friend tonight who i havent seen in forever-and im having breakfast tomorrow morning with a bunch of friends. some of which i havent seen since high school.


its just all really nice. they did screw up (well i screwed up) my coffee at DD, but its coffee.. whos really going to complain about that. theres a nice bird singing in a tree somewhere and the fountain almost sounds like the ocean ..its a little too repetitive. 


speaking of birds. theres this bird outside my window at my house that sounds like a dying baby. im not sure if its a human baby but seriously like a dying baby moose or something. im not sure what the fuck is wrong with it, but it sure missed the seminar on beautiful birdsong. good way to wake up in the morning. dying babies. NICE.


so i initially got on here to write about this Buddhist experience i just had. well, more like anti Buddhist.. but interesting all the same. i got distracted. but thats what i do.. anyway. one of those giant black ants crawled on my foot. those big fuckers. so i shooed it off and went to step on it but it ran away, and i thought better of myself because hey, what did he do to me anyway? tickle my foot a little? its not like he bit me. so then i saw a fly. and i went to step on that. because 1. im still in 3rd grade, didnt you know? and 2. theres no way im going to step on a fly. they fly away. so.. i killed it. and i instantly felt so bad, it was so weird, that i thought some little red robed bald monk was going to slap me with a bamboo rod. everything has a right to live! even a fly. wtfs wrong with me?! so i put a leaf over it and felt bad about myself. 


until i saw that annoying ant come over and start climbing all over it. (circle of life started playing in my head, is that weird?)i watched this ant for..god it had to be 15 minutes turn this fly over and over ripping its wings off and eventually cutting it into segments. first i thought it was going to pick it up (because ive heard of how strong those little buggers are) and then i just thought it was being cruel. but not two minutes ago i just saw a couple ants come over and pick up the pieces and run off with them. did i just supply lunch for some bugs? huh.


so. with that long, drawn out analogy, i guess this just further supports my theory that "everything happens for a reason."
i hate how fate has such a negative connotation.
cant fate, personally, be a good thing? because i cant think of anything thats happened to me that hasnt happened because of fate.


have i written about this before? i guess i feel strongly about it. hmmmm.


well, there goes the last piece. enjoy your lunch little guys..


<3

what is wrong with me

i have come to the conclusion that i just dont care. i dont. and regarding certain issues, i think life is too short to care, to be honest. when i look back and think about all the times i risk humiliation its actually hilarious. but seriously enough with all the shit talkers who "live life in the moment." are you? or are you saying you are. because i think im the one who said i was going to get my tongue pierced and did it instead of just talking about it. and jumped out of air planes. and applied to study abroad in china.


my latest risk taking habit is telling people how i feel. whether i know them or not. and heres my reasoning. theres really no particular order to this, but i think it all makes sense. at least to me.


1. lifes short. say everything you can to everyone you can, while you can. why not?


2. im pretty sure id be flattered if someone just randomly said to me, hey, i dont know you, but i think youre lovely. that would make my day. 


3. peoples days arent made enough. someone random smiled at me when i was walking to class the other day, and for some reason that tiny half smile made me feel awesome for the following 15 minutes. its the little things, it really is.


so while i was at work, procrastinating because this summer heat is preventing me from concentrating on much else (besides facebook and sleep) i happened upon some guys profile after visiting a friend, and a friend, and a friend.. you know. the trail. so i lazily clicked through his profile pictures and i was literally captivated by one. if captivated doesnt sound lame and cliche enough, but that's the best way to describe it. it was artsy. not, zomg-FRIENDME artsy. but helloigotoanartschool artistic. like, if i had a type, this guy would be reaaal close to being it. i suppose this is what love at first sight feels like? ive never been so drawn to someone ive never met before. 


OH you SILLY GIRL listen to YOU.


but its true. as silly as it sounds. anyway..along with my unfailing belief in hating "what ifs" ive taken on this habit of "not thinking and just doing." soooo i just clicked the message button and started off with some awkward sentence that said something along the lines of.. hey! so, you dont know me..


im a real charmer, right? i know. but seriously. ive never felt so compelled to tell someone how attracted i was to them. and again i was never so compelled to tell them to completely disregard that "horrendously embarrassing" message.


i just hope they smiled. thats all i want out of it. and a genuine smile. and maybe experience that 15 minutes of happiness i felt after that random stranger gave me that half smile on the way to class. because there arent enough acts of random kindness in the world, you know?

england hooooo!

so its june first. 1st. 11:05 am. i should be doing some english work, but instead im munching on some veggies and sipping away at my liter bottle of water. it is approximately 85 degrees outside right now. well, at least it was at NINE AM THIS MORNING. 9 am. why do i feel the need to write out numbers? whatever. anyway. its hot as satans balls outside, and i am lovviiinnggg ittt. however, it is increasing my desire for ice cream tenfold, and this is a problem for my waistline. ESPECIALLY because ill be hitting the beach in NO FEWER than 24 days. that will be an interes- amazing vacation. who am i kidding.. every day on the beach from 11 am to 4 pm? laying there and doing nothing? perfection. i want to be black when i get back. lets be serious.

the roof of my mouth is torn to pieces from honey graham Oh's! its a very excited cereal, very excited to cause me BODILY HARM. captain crunch for adults. just as sweet and equally as painful. even more difficult to stop eating. partially hate myself for every bowl in the morning, but its sooo gooooddd. whatever. at 11:15 i will actually begin doing some work. so.

we booked the tickets for england yesterday. or was it the day before? doesnt matter. excited. out of my mind. wedding.. well.. not wedding. clubbing. tattoo. family. shenanigans. its going to be insane. probably the best vacation of my life. because no one will have children and we'll all be beautiful and get drunk and it will be fabulous. i cant wait. i cant stand it. i can wait.. cause when i get back i immediately begin classes. fuck.. not gonna think about it. ENGLANDDDD.

gonna end on a high note. gonna procrastinate for three more glorious minutes, because i hate english 202d. smd.

<3

eettss waiinninggg.

THIS DECISION WAS A GOOD ONE.

You had plenty money, 1922
You let other women make a fool of you
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too

You're sittin' there and wonderin' what it's all about
You ain't got no money, they will put you out
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too

If you had prepared twenty years ago
You wouldn't be a-wanderin' from door to door
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too

I fell for your jivin' and I took you in
Now all you got to offer me's a drink of gin
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Like some other men do

womp womp wompppp

myy headd hurtsss. mehhhh. this is how i feel. only less adorable. i definitely feel less adorable than that. i want to go auburn. tell me this decision was a good one, because i know im going to go do it. thats the way i am. i do these things. you only live once, why not do something that terrifies you? blonde is so comfortable for me. time to get unfuckingcomfortable. and then, i will have been a blonde, a brunette, a dirty blonde and a semi-redhead, and with great confidence i will be able to say that none of them have more fun. i have more fun. so there. 


im constantly in a state of mindblank. im not even sure what to ramble about, and thats not like me. i think theres something wrong with me. im not feeling myself lately. i wish i had money to get my other tattoos. i wish i had more skin. i wish society lacked the stigma.


you know what songs been stuck in my head for forever, that one from cinderella. she was never one of my favorite princesses as a child, but recently ive been relating to her for some reason. and humming a lot. ill probably sing it to roxannes children.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

if only.

chocolate covered coffeebeans

you. will. 


thats put simply enough i think. i should start studying.. well should have started studying 2 minutes ago.. but its been so long since ive said anything that i thought id dropp onn overr. especially since i stumbled upon someone elses blog-- miraculously informing me how NOT to freak out in times of pressure and how the world will indeed keep turning if all goes to shit.


which it wont.


but its little things like this that convince me of fate. destiny? everyone views fate as such cruel terminology. that "no one can escape their fate" ahh oh no! but destiny sounds so.. lame. so many things happen to me because of fate. if i hadnt met brian in my independent study, i wouldnt know some of my favorite people at penn state. and if i hadnt worked for gus, i probably wouldnt be in that independent study. and if my mom hadnt worked for his wife, i probably wouldnt work for gus. so, well, there you go. everything happens for a reason. and so far, i feel very fortunate for the way everythings turning out. 
side note. im note sure why whenever i feel strongly about something i have the undeniable urge to get it tattooed. i guess as a constant reminder.. and some beautiful piece of artwork. its so easy to get caught up and forget these days. as soon as i had the idea to get hieroglyphics i wanted fate. because the egyptians are all about that concept. but apparently, according to my professor (with a genius of a husband and two houses in egypt) fate is regarded very negatively. iii dont want that. but i would like hieroglyphics.. if i had more skin id totally get the song from the tomb of king intef.


hedonism, atheism. at its finest. no ones listening and your time is short so live while you can and love everyone. and everything. ha - ancient pleasure seekers.


but yes hieroglyphics, a lotus blossom, and and expansion on my orchids. and what an interesting canvas id be.


if i were to write qualifications out for a guy for me to potentially be in a relationship with, i believe they would go as follows:

1. You must be able to make me laugh
2. I must feel like myself around you
3. We must be able to have quality conversations
4. You must have at least one romantic bone in your body
5. You must be absolutely unattainable


apparently i dont go for anyone i can have, and this pattern is becoming more painstakingly obvious. why cant i just be interested in someone that is available? no one available is interested in me.


most recent- forbidden. (well its obvious why i wanted this one.)
now- taken. (apparently i like a challenge)
previous- emotionally elsewhere. (impossible)
much previous- age gap. (but DELICIOUS)
several- out of state. (long distance.. i can do it!..not)
most common- douche bag. (we all know douchebags are unattainable)


story. of. my. life.
but, what can you do? go wash the taste of toad out of your mouth and pucker up for that prince? wait for another degenerate to fall into my lap as i repeat this awesome process again, and again..they say good things come to those who wait. they also say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and i have no idea what that is in reference to, and what that person is going to do with that poor bird.


well. im going to eat a few more dark chocolate covered coffee beans, (which mother dearest so kindly doted upon me for finals week) and im going to rock this studying. until 145! when  i can relax again. oh, and then read my brains out, because ill be studying an obscene amount for egyptian mythology. but thats beside the point.


goodbye! ciao! zaijian!


namaste.

but i digress.

sometimes i forget myself. i hate this. pause.

what a moment of silent reflection washed over me. well anyway- recently ive forgotten. ive gotten so lost in college life, and i use that term negatively, that ive forgotten the things i love. about life. about music. about myself- and not narcissitically - just enjoying the things i love. you have to love yourself before anyone can love you anyway. or at least thats what ive been told.

what about the people who love themselves too much? maybe that just means theres not enough room for anyone else to love them. or for them to love another person. i find this sad. but i digress.

i need to learn to walk again, apparently. up the stairs, specifically. on my routine stroll to 10am chinese class i had a princess and the pea moment, struggling to scrape something off of the bottom of my boot that was increasingly irritating me and i just dug my knee into the stair in front of me. one of those moments where it hurts pretty bad but seriously throbs later, like a bowling ball fell on my kneecap instead of an innocent tripping incident. but at that moment when i fell, i was shaken out of this stupid college life smog. almost as if it had been hanging around my head and needed a jolt to the ground for my head to escape.

state college isnt particularily beautiful in the early spring. the grass is half green/dead yellow, the air is almost always thick and damp. every other day its either raining, or snowing. or both. the struggling daffodils and crocus flowers are a beautiful and bleak preview of the coming spring. the trees remain naked until the end of april, or later. to be honest, winter lasts half the year. god i need to get out of here.

everything looked beautiful, though. after i fell. i stopped thinking about those stupid guys and my ridiculous exams. i noticed how the sky was a rich blue grey, almost watercolor brushed clouds. the trees inky black from the rain stood stark in contrast, which made the little bit of green grass all the more vibrant. all textures were more evident. she had beautiful hair. he had handsome bone structure. the damp air smelled sweet and clean. and despite my stresses, i felt calm. fucking lies. i was far from calm. but i felt- aware? observant. i missed reading all of a sudden. i missed my bed. i missed sunday afternoons. i missed doing everything that makes me who i am. i wanted to go home and cook something, sing something, watch something. i wanted to sleep, and dream.

i want everyone to stop being so materialistic. including myself. and i feel as if i have a different definition of materialistic for myself. whaaat the hell am i talking about? laugh if you remember what you were getting at.

i need to get out of this business suit. it makes people look at me weird.

yeah, thats a good place to end.

spicy dragon roll

i am having a current internal battle with myself. because i want to live. i have hit the mid january/feburary/marchwinteristoolongwhyisitsunnyandnotwarm-rut.. and have forgotten what the happy butterflies and warm sensation of feeling relaxed when all is right with the world feels like. its so easy to get caught up in things we have to do. and get dragged down by them. by cleaning and spending money we dont have, and working- at jobs and at school. i see all of these books that tell me little things i can do to make me a happier person. and they tell me things like sing in the shower. drink lots of water. eat tofu and salmon, dark chocolate and tea, and fruit. do yoga. get lots of sleep. speak your mind. do something that scares you. be spontaneous. procrastinate. make a list and check everything off. treat yourself. well what happens when you do all of these things and you're still stuck in that rut? you can only breathe so deep, drink so much green tea and tie yourself up into so many yoga knots. 


how do you release from the anxiety then?
how do you hold on to the beautiful feeling when you feel it, and why are those moments always so fleeting? hmm.
i just want to sit in the sun, with a glass of iced tea and lemon. in a sun dress. by the ocean.


also. memo to me. you. listen now, commitmentphobe.
you know that little person that starts kickboxing your abdomen whenever youre with someone whos potentially really good for you? who makes you look for some kind of something wrong with a perfectly fine situation? evict them, now. 


im starting to think you like being miserable. at least the kickboxing guy does. well enough.


when have you felt so comfortable? or happy? when have you looked someone and just melted on the spot? and how many knots does your stomach tie into whenever he kisses you hmm?


patience is a virtue. nothing worth having comes easily.


ps. these sushi cravings are getting absolutely ridiculous
    i seriously wish i could eat sushi everyday. like now actually, i could go for some sushi RIGHTMEOW.

its way too early for this.

whens fat tuesday? is today fat tuesday? i think im fat tuesday. i also think i just got approximately 5 hours of sleep, but adorable children, birds, and the need for water decided it was important that i woke up instead. and then thinking. thinking never lets me sleep once i start.

it looks beautiful outside today. literally beautiful. but maybe thats because i had the most terrifying drive out here, and that makes every sunny blue sky all the better. but it doesnt matter. that sun is golden on the pine tree through the skylgiht, and it eases my anxious heart a bit.


who am i kidding. no it doesnt. thats bullshit. but it does look nice. but anyway fat tuesday. because if it is fat tuesday, i think i want to give something up this year. not for the sake of jesus, because im agnostic. although i do think he existed, as a guy. for the sake of me to see if i can be true to myself and do it. true to the church? ehhhh institution. true to myself? well. i have to live with myself for the rest of my life dont i? and the more i cheat on myself the shittier im going to feel about it. so. online contract with the self to.. hmm..


1. stop going out to eat. (this saves money.)
2. i want to say no sweets, or chocolate, but i know ill go insane. cause ill want to make cupcakes or something. so.. no...
candy.or cookies/girl scout cookies. or cake. or cheesecake. or brownies. or donuts. or cupcakes. but muffins are ok. and hot chocolate, cause the red sea will kill you. and hundred calorie packs are ok. (and you're allowed to finish that ice cream in the fridge, because things should not go to waste).


two things. you can do that. i can do that. no worries.

i need to stop hating the way i feel in my own skin. i need to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted. because i think im a cow. i think im a cow now, because im not perfect. whats perfect? i liked it when i lost my appetite. its hard to feel good about yourself when youre always so hungry that it makes you sick and its all you think about. i loved not caring about food and actually being grossed out by it.


saved me so much hassle and life.


i feel like guys, no matter how braindead they might be, can also sense a lack of confidence. and deep rooted personal problems. like animals can sense fear. no. sorry. thats giving them too much credit. i take this back. 


but i still give up on them. and my hearts still seriously broken.

FAHK

this guideline that i am not fond of has reverted me into a state pre highschool. STOP IT. by now, i would have made serious progress. no funny business. spoken my mind, all on the table guns blazing all revealed. im not one to play these stupid games anymore. especially not when im feeling like this. but now im FORCED to play them? fuck that. seriously, FUCK THAT. immature godcomplex bullshit. egotistical greedy selfish selfcenteredness. transparent seniority. worthless governance.

stop loving yourself. listen to someone else. let someone else talk for more than five minutes. let four hours of company pass wihtout three and a half be consumed by your chattering. dont disregard my thought process. listen. dont wait to talk. stop ALWAYS waiting to talk. stop thinking, subconsciously, your thoughts, stories, and life are superior for the moment. and always. step back and listen to how you sound. narcissistic. stop thinking youre better than people, because i know you do. be considerate of others. the earth revolves around the sun, not how awesome you are.

greenthemed debauchery

dear self,

no matter what happens this weekend, know that you were excited for it as of 12:49 pm friday afternoon. remember that you mentally prepared through yoga and pilates late last night, clearing your mind and almost faceplanting several times attempting something like twisted halfmoon warrior. what? who even thinks of these moves and decides they have a benefit to the body, besides being able to shrivel up into an awkward pretzel on demand. maybe, just maybe, if i become flexible enough, i can go join the circus. or fit in a very small space for some bank heist. coughoceanselevencough. i mean if my yogaing got me into a room with george clooney brad pitt and matt damon i think id be ok with that. ok rando..
i was walking to work today and (its miserable outside, rain and snow everywhere, damp and disgusting) a car decided to speed down the street into a puddle and splash all over my legs. AWESOME. as if my converse feet werent cold enough, now my legs are wet yeah!
but whatever. im going out tonight. and all weekend. and cooking breakfast for a bajillion people. eeeeeeee.
so i guess i should study for my exam on monday... shit. why do professors do that. its disgusting. no ones going to study, but i really need a good grade. gross. well, work hard play hard.

mmmhmm.

cheesecake icecream?

i wish i saw my room more often. i miss it. and once i think about it, im not going to have the same room for the rest of my life. ill have several different rooms. ive already had...3. one i didnt care for much because of the dark paneled wooden walls, but this one im really fond of. which is why its a shame im never here. its 11:22 pm and ive yet to start studying for my exam, but i cant bring myself to look at my book. im tired of running around and i just want to sit and do nothing. but i know this weekend is going to be ridiculous, work wise and play wise.. and i wont have time to find patterns in the paint on my walls. (theres a demon by my computer). or sleep. i miss sleep so much. i cant afford it anymore.. its as if we have a forbidden romance. 
i wish i could say "i digress" here, but im afraid my entire entry is one big.. digression.

to do-
1. study, now, you lazy ass
2. stop daydreaming and getting your hopes up
3. dont throw up the cheesecake ice cream.. again.
4. get some good sleep


5. survive until friday

organic writing?

there are thoughts buzzing around my head today like those annoying summer gnats. like those ones that no matter how many times you swat, given the surface area of your huge hand it seems impossible that you would miss every single one of them as they sit in the crevice of your ears and hum ceaselessly. i have gnats for thoughts. and useless hands to sort them- i suppose thats what im getting at. every day i walk past the forum building and die for the day when the little trees that arch around the benches finally don their pink buds. im really lucky i got stuck with a class so early in the music building in the spring semester. when the fountains on and all the flowers are out its one of my favorite places on campus to be. the 60 degree weather this weekend was such a tease- i completely forgot how good the sun feels. contemplating going tanning just to relive a sunnap, artificial or not.


fuck


the


snow.


i take back that i enjoy it through february. i dont know what i was thinking when i decided november through february was a good time frame. january is about all i can handle.. and even that is pushing it. because i cant stand january either.. 


i wish i could go a day without wanting something. go with the flow. taoism, right? but not that relaxed. but we're always wanting something. especially me. and its usually sleep. or coffee. or wanting to buy something, or to go out, or to get my studying done, or to go home, or to see someone, or to forget about someone. want want want. i even want.. to not care? vicious cycle. hmmm. i suppose i feel a little more at ease. organically writing whatevers on my mind tends to do that.


maybe i should come up with some names. now. god thats disgustingly juvenile, but i suppose it protects some privacy.


seriously having an internal battle with myself while i evaluate the stupidity of this situation.


i cant just write about the weather all the time. i wont feel better about other issues. and lets be serious. this is like an online diary when i know no one else will listen.. properly.
ohkay. names it is. ugh vomit this is disgusting.


1- im giving up on guys. besides what puzzle piece and pineapple decide to do with random bartender, im just not giving a shit. why do i always have to put forth all the effort!? i mean come on. id like to be chased. chasing is fun, but my feet are tired and im going to take a nap.
2- that was until korean snack shop texted me last night and we had an actual conversation over the phone? that never happens. interesting. almost swallowed my tongue/half pound brownie i made last night. (shitty days call for glutton, get over it.)
3- guys who revel in the idea of many girls having an interest in them should take a small pin and insert it behind their left ear so they can let some of the hot air out of their head. im talking about you, basketball shorts. i will not satisfy this stupid game. or i will at least try not to. 


thats about enough bitching on that for now, we'll see what happens LATER..

and since i cant post this anywhere else without getting sniper rifled (because no thonazi has a sense of humorrr)

THON 2011 For The Kids <3
State Patty's 2011 For The Keg <3

but really good job with THON us- 9 million is ridiculous
i rue the day we dont break a record.
anyways.


 再见!
心想事成 <3

i had a dream.

but literally. i had a dream i made one of these, and usually when i have a dream about something completely out of the ordinary it means  . . . something. so i what did i do when i got up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning? i made breakfast. and then i made a blog. my brother has one that none of us EVER knew about, interestingly enough, so why cant i have one? and i'm always trying to jot my thoughts down, well not always, but when something important happens and i want to remember it i do. but my hand gets so cramped from trying to spill my brain thoughts on paper faster than my hand can move. no bueno. this seems like a simpler solution. but i dont blog, so this is strange. but, you only live once, so why not do everything you can while you do, even if this is a glorified way of talking to myself? ha ha haaaa. whenever i write in courier i feel like that crazy guy from house of leaves. i should probably read that again once i have free time. well. lovely chatting. but im sensing that i forgot to do probably half of my chinese homework. 再见!