but i digress.

sometimes i forget myself. i hate this. pause.

what a moment of silent reflection washed over me. well anyway- recently ive forgotten. ive gotten so lost in college life, and i use that term negatively, that ive forgotten the things i love. about life. about music. about myself- and not narcissitically - just enjoying the things i love. you have to love yourself before anyone can love you anyway. or at least thats what ive been told.

what about the people who love themselves too much? maybe that just means theres not enough room for anyone else to love them. or for them to love another person. i find this sad. but i digress.

i need to learn to walk again, apparently. up the stairs, specifically. on my routine stroll to 10am chinese class i had a princess and the pea moment, struggling to scrape something off of the bottom of my boot that was increasingly irritating me and i just dug my knee into the stair in front of me. one of those moments where it hurts pretty bad but seriously throbs later, like a bowling ball fell on my kneecap instead of an innocent tripping incident. but at that moment when i fell, i was shaken out of this stupid college life smog. almost as if it had been hanging around my head and needed a jolt to the ground for my head to escape.

state college isnt particularily beautiful in the early spring. the grass is half green/dead yellow, the air is almost always thick and damp. every other day its either raining, or snowing. or both. the struggling daffodils and crocus flowers are a beautiful and bleak preview of the coming spring. the trees remain naked until the end of april, or later. to be honest, winter lasts half the year. god i need to get out of here.

everything looked beautiful, though. after i fell. i stopped thinking about those stupid guys and my ridiculous exams. i noticed how the sky was a rich blue grey, almost watercolor brushed clouds. the trees inky black from the rain stood stark in contrast, which made the little bit of green grass all the more vibrant. all textures were more evident. she had beautiful hair. he had handsome bone structure. the damp air smelled sweet and clean. and despite my stresses, i felt calm. fucking lies. i was far from calm. but i felt- aware? observant. i missed reading all of a sudden. i missed my bed. i missed sunday afternoons. i missed doing everything that makes me who i am. i wanted to go home and cook something, sing something, watch something. i wanted to sleep, and dream.

i want everyone to stop being so materialistic. including myself. and i feel as if i have a different definition of materialistic for myself. whaaat the hell am i talking about? laugh if you remember what you were getting at.

i need to get out of this business suit. it makes people look at me weird.

yeah, thats a good place to end.