its way too early for this.

whens fat tuesday? is today fat tuesday? i think im fat tuesday. i also think i just got approximately 5 hours of sleep, but adorable children, birds, and the need for water decided it was important that i woke up instead. and then thinking. thinking never lets me sleep once i start.

it looks beautiful outside today. literally beautiful. but maybe thats because i had the most terrifying drive out here, and that makes every sunny blue sky all the better. but it doesnt matter. that sun is golden on the pine tree through the skylgiht, and it eases my anxious heart a bit.


who am i kidding. no it doesnt. thats bullshit. but it does look nice. but anyway fat tuesday. because if it is fat tuesday, i think i want to give something up this year. not for the sake of jesus, because im agnostic. although i do think he existed, as a guy. for the sake of me to see if i can be true to myself and do it. true to the church? ehhhh institution. true to myself? well. i have to live with myself for the rest of my life dont i? and the more i cheat on myself the shittier im going to feel about it. so. online contract with the self to.. hmm..


1. stop going out to eat. (this saves money.)
2. i want to say no sweets, or chocolate, but i know ill go insane. cause ill want to make cupcakes or something. so.. no...
candy.or cookies/girl scout cookies. or cake. or cheesecake. or brownies. or donuts. or cupcakes. but muffins are ok. and hot chocolate, cause the red sea will kill you. and hundred calorie packs are ok. (and you're allowed to finish that ice cream in the fridge, because things should not go to waste).


two things. you can do that. i can do that. no worries.

i need to stop hating the way i feel in my own skin. i need to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted. because i think im a cow. i think im a cow now, because im not perfect. whats perfect? i liked it when i lost my appetite. its hard to feel good about yourself when youre always so hungry that it makes you sick and its all you think about. i loved not caring about food and actually being grossed out by it.


saved me so much hassle and life.


i feel like guys, no matter how braindead they might be, can also sense a lack of confidence. and deep rooted personal problems. like animals can sense fear. no. sorry. thats giving them too much credit. i take this back. 


but i still give up on them. and my hearts still seriously broken.